Feeling Lost

Forty Caves :: Groton, MA :: April 2020 © Nancy Szostak Wright

Wow! When this year started, I had no idea how it would turn out. Since New Year’s Day, I’ve felt a little lost. I couldn’t really put my finger on why. But, I had my February Italy trip to focus on, which was exciting. Right before I left, I had the idea of writing a piece on feeling lost, starting with my childhood and the fact that I was the sixth of eight children. Ya, I felt lost quite often. There are no baby pictures of me. I felt like my voice wasn’t heard. With five brothers and two sisters (and one bathroom), I had to learn to fight for myself. But, I was too nice. It wasn’t until the day my sister, Kathy told me I was a sucker that I learned to stand tall. Don’t get me wrong. I loved growing up with seven siblings. I just felt a little lost sometimes.

Fast forward to now. April 2020.The era of coronavirus. Yikes! The day we left Italy to come home, they decided to shut down Venice’s Carnivale. Northern Italy was shut down, too. Lots of people were dying, especially the elderly. I read in one article that Italian officials asked dying people, “to go to the mountains and die quietly for your country.” I felt like I was gut-punched. We were just there. Venice had been jam-packed with revelers dressed in regaled outfits, strutting and posing. St. Mark’s Square was like a bee hive of activity. Music filled the air. Gondolas glided along the canals bringing all the wannabe-Italians from one party spot to the next. Then there was nothing.

The square was empty.

The canals were empty.

The streets were empty.

My heart was empty.

This brought my feeling of lost to a whole new level. All we wanted to do was get home safely. We wiped down every inch of our assigned seats on the airplane with Lysol wipes. I didn’t use the bathroom once. It was a nine-hour flight, but I didn’t want to chance it. We got home and both my husband and I ended up with colds. We decided to self-quarantine for 14 days.

This brought my feeling of lost to another whole new level.

Isolated. But, not alone.

That became the new mantra. As the virus spread, fear did, too. In March, we received the stay-at-home orders from Massachusetts’ governor. Schools went online for the semester, sports were canceled. So much was canceled.

Grocery stores struggled to keep inventory stocked. Toilet paper was nowhere to be found. Businesses started to repurpose their manufacturing to make Personal Protection Equipment, like shields and masks. Hospitals were creating makeshift ERs in parking lots and event venues. Testing sites popped up here and there.

And here we are today. Feeling more lost than ever before. As we all try to stay focused on the positive, all I can ask is what will be found?

New perspective?

More kindness?

More appreciation for doctors, nurses and all essential employees?

I sure hope so. Think of all the COVID-19 patients who had to die alone devoid of family good-byes. Think of the healthcare front line who put their own lives on the line EVERY DAY… who lived away from their loved ones so as to not risk infection to them just in case.

Think of all the milestone occasions… birthdays, graduations, weddings, proms, high school/college/pro games and championships. All lost.

It will take a long while before we truly find ourselves again.

Indeed, feeling lost.

Photo by: Brandin Tumeinski